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23 May 2002

 

The journal entry that previously existed in this space has been impulsively removed. Fitting, since it was impulsively written. I, rather selfishly I might add, wrote a long ramble about how selfish of a person I am. Not that it's not in large part true. But as basically a disgusting call for reassurance and people to tell me I was wrong and am really a good person, it doesn't belong here. So now it's gone. I shouldn't really write an entry in its place tonight, since it's almost 4, but whatever.

This is just a signal of how ridiculously moody I've been lately. One minute I'll be happy and upbeat and enjoying life's small pleasures, and the next I'll be stressed out or irritated beyond belief or frustrated. Or miserable.

A tiny piece of me is afraid that I'm losing my grip on my emotional strength. It's just so hard, and I'm so tired and stressed and lonely. I feel so needy sometimes. Maybe I made a mistake in believing that I'm strong, that I can change. Maybe I'm really so weak that I can only last a few months without being loved and appreciated before I collapse. Maybe I am on the verge of collapse.

Okay, that's just pathetic of me. I know many other people who have many more serious reasons than I do to be upset. I should be able to beat these vague feelings of discontent and frustration and unhappiness.

I just sometimes feel that everything is wrong. I want to go back to some point in time when I and all of the people I care about were happier. I hate it when my friends are unhappy, I really do. I hate not being able to help, partially because I don't like being powerless, but also because I feel it so deeply inside when the people I care about are hurting. When they hurt, I hurt. And I want to fix it all.

Why are things not the way they used to be? Why don't we all have carefree happy time together without so many troubles and issues? I know I shouldn't dwell on the past, that I should work on trying to make the present and the future into what I want them to be. But it seems like there are so many obstacles to making things happy and good again. And the summer's coming so soon. What if things don't get better by the time we all leave? I want all my friends to love eachother and have fun together, and to love me, and to get along, and to not have other problems or be stressed out or depressed or anything else. Why does it feel like none of this used to be much of a problem?

Plus it doesn't help that I'm just really stressed out with schoolwork and other responsibilities. And the way I sometimes respond to it is to not get anything done that I need to, because there's just so much that it's overwhelming to dig into. This is going to bite me in the ass soon.

Okay, this entry is not much more coherent than the original, possibly less. And speaking of moodiness, I'm rereading the original now and wondering why I had such a problem with it. So here's an edited version:


The particular form this question has taken recently is, "Am I selfish?" My recent thought has tended to conclude that the only way to truly judge if you're a good person is if you are selfless. Of late, I've been reminded of a number of kind actions I've done for people who I wanted to like me. That's always something I've been very good at-- I can be amazingly sweet and loving and generous if I think people are going to react, "Wow, isn't Britt such a wonderful person? Look at all she does and gives."

But is that fair? Do I deserve credit for doing things that I think will reap returns in gratitude, appreciation, even love? I like to think of myself as a good person because of the gestures I will make and the distances I will go for people I want to like or love me. But I'm leaning towards thinking that's bullshit. How can I possibly get credit for being "good" if I'm going to get rewarded for it?

If that's true, the only way I can be a good person is if I give and love regardless of the returns to me. I think I touched this kind of selflessness for a few days last week, when for the first time I was able to genuinely see a particular facet of a certain situation as something good and important-- and be happy about it-- because of its goodness and importance for someone else, regardless of the negative way it typically makes me feel for selfish reasons.

But I can't maintain that, and the failure to maintain that makes me feel horrible about myself. After a couple of days, my own selfishness comes back in the picture, and I focus on myself and what I want again, instead of what others want and need. If focusing on others serves my emotional needs, I can throw myself into it, and apparently be a wonderful, sweet, good person. But isn't that just another form of selfishness? . . .

See, when I've really loved people, I've loved them not for their actions but for some beautiful bit at the soul of them. When I love someone, I love their inherent goodness, regardless of what they actually do. I want someone to see that in me. But I feel like maybe no one ever has, that because of my actions people have thought they loved me and told me they loved me but never actually loved the goodness at the core of me. I vacillate about whether that "goodness at the core" is actually there. I want to believe in it, but if no one else has seen it, I have no evidence that it's there. Maybe that's why I've historically been so concerned what others think of me-- I want someone to see a beautiful soul in me, to judge me and find me good. I can never make that judgement myself . . . the best I can do is learn not to ask the question.

 

 

Last updated 5 September, 2002

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Intellectual Property Rights denounced by Britt Gordon-McKeon, 2002