Iím not ready for school to end in two weeks.
I feel like the end of school is coming way too quickly, and itís not just because of how much I have to get done before the end of the year. I mean, sure, a lot of why I feel vaguely panicked that the quarter ends in two weeks is because of the papers I have to write, finishing The Protest, and the work I need to do to get my room packed. Thatís a lot to get done by the time the quarter ends.
But itís not just that. In a personal sense, I donít feel ready to leave my friends, to leave Evanston, and for my school routine to end. Iím sure Iíd get tired of it eventually and be ready for a break, but Iím not tired of it now.
I feel like there are so many loose ends dangling that canít possibly get tied up nicely by the end of the year, especially with all of us being so busy with schoolwork. I want all of our relationships to be good or, at least, certain. Instead, I feel that both between me and others and among my friends, there are issues and thereís a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty. I donít know about going into the whole long summer when things are so open. Itíd be so much nicer for everyone to know exactly where they stand with everybody. There are problems that ought to be worked out that may just leave lingering feelings of awkwardness or uncertainty, that need some time and some talking but may not get them. (For anyone who has any idea what Iím specifically referring to, Iím thinking of two separate major things here, with a couple of supporting smaller things.)
One thing Iíve learned about being a sophomore is that you feel like you have a basis of comparison for things, but you compare them with exactly one past year, so you donít exactly have the greatest overall perspective on things. Like always, thatís what Iím doing now. As sad as it was to go home last year, something just felt solid and in place. Last year ended on a very high note for me in terms of relationships with people; I had built up several friendships that were at their most meaningful point of the year, and I had a sense that they would carry me through the summer.
But I donít feel like things have coalesced like that this year, and I find it hard to imagine that they will in the two weeks we have left. I certainly wish they would, and thatís a lot of what this sense of pressure and racing time has to do with. Yet I wouldnít be surprised if things end up really open-ended, ambiguous, uncertain. Thereís a certain point at which Iíd feel comfortable with moving on to the summer, but it seems virtually certain right now that summer is going to come before that point.
Oh, there are other reasons I donít want the year to end, as well. I donít want to be done with soccer. . . I donít want to get up really early every weekday morning. . . I donít want to lose my Ethernet connection. . . I donít want to have to wash dishes and take out the garbage and clean the kitty litter.
I just donít want to go back to the little apartment in Maryland and share a room with my sister all summer. I donít want to be under my parentsí roof with them telling me what to do and us getting into arguments over things. Buildings should be shared with 100 people, with all your closest friends just steps away, not with the three people youíve lived with all your life. I keep thinking that itís going to be way too close quarters. And while itíll be awesome to have Matt in the city, as well as a couple other people nearby, thereís still going to be a lot of time spent with my family. Itís not that I donít love themóI doóbut I really feel like I donít want to live with them anymore. Hopefully this summer will be the last of it, though.
Itís really very clear to me that, at least at this point in my life, Evanstonóand PARCóis home to me, all the more so with my familyís location in flux. This is where I feel comfortable and happy, and itís where I come back to.
I remember the amazing feeling that I got when I first got back on campus last fall. It was just this tremendous sense of being where I belonged. As I walked from PARC to CRC to get my keys, I just remember not being able to get the smile off my face at being able to step on the familiar ground. Iím sure that part of what contributed to this was that it was 14 September, and I had just spent several days being sad and depressed, as well as having just completed an exhausting 18-hour journey by bus. But there was just something about being back on campus after so long away that felt like home.
There are just so many reasons why I donít want to leave here, not least the fact that Iíll be so far away from my friends for so long, and I wish there was some way I could just cancel summer break. Well, postpone it.
5 September, 2002
Intellectual Property Rights denounced by Britt Gordon-McKeon, 2002