I used to absolutely love writing these long journal entries, attempting to write as many as I possibly could. That desire's fizzled somewhat; the days stretch out between entries, and I think I know why.
See, when I started this website six months ago, I had a lot of motivations. I won't explore them all in depth here, but suffice it to say that in many ways it was outwardly directed. This is probably fairly self-evident, considering that publishing personal thoughts in the public forum of the internet is obviously other-directed. In that way, it coincided with my overall personal strategy and outlook.
In other words, at first, I focused on how what I wrote would affect people, and that was a motivator for me. It's not that what I wrote wasn't honest, or that it was constantly directed by my thoughts of other people's reactions. I don't think I was ever more than mildly influenced in terms of what I actually wrote. But the act of creating the site was driven by my thoughts of what other people would think of it, and so was my motivation to write as often as I could.
But, oddly enough, I've stopped looking at it that way. It's become something I work on for my own sake, as a method of self-expression and improving my writing, attempting to create something that is interesting and worthwhile so that I can be proud of what I accomplish. Especially recently, as I've become more and more drawn into myself, I've just been less and less concerned about what people think of me and my site.
Of course I'm not totally unconcerned, just as of course I do care about what other people think of me. But compared to the way I've been for as long as I can remember, it all feels so muted that I half-feel like I'm a different person than I typically am.
I mean, I'm not quite sure where I stand with any of my friends right now. And honestly, I don't care. I mean, I care-- it means something to me. But I don't care in the sense that it has a significant effect on my well-being. It doesn't occupy my thoughts or affect my emotions the way it used to. I feel as if I'm wrapped in a big cocoon, cushioned from the rest of the world, with life hitting me muffled.
I really don't mind it. It's kind of a welcome change. I'd never before understood how people could find it healthy and desirable to be on their own for a while, but now I do. At the beginning of the summer, I was yearning to get back to school; now, I'm enjoying the present and, honestly, I don't think I'd like to be in school right now, with so many people around. Somehow the sense of isolation that had always been agonizingly painful for me has become soothing, peaceful. I certainly don't need anything to change, and I'm not sure I want anything to change, either. At least not for the time being.
Anyhow, enough rambling about me. I know myself well enough to know that I shouldn't make any long-ranging predictions about my personality, especially with this jerkiness that's characterized my moods of late. But suffice it to say that, at least presently, I'm nowhere near as concerned about what other people are thinking about me as I've typically been.
And so that makes me want to work on my site for my sake, and my sake only. I like my site because I like creating something I can be proud of, and I write because I enjoy writing and because I want to get better at it. I care about how people respond to my site, because it's feedback about my ability to create something people will enjoy. But I'm not so concerned about how it makes them feel about me, nor about exactly who visits and how often.
For example, I have two web statistics programs set up to track my visitors, and I used to check them all the time, trying to play detective with the IP addresses and domains to figure out who was visiting my page. The reason I have two is because one is much better but only keeps the statistics for 24 hours, while the other is less detailed but holds the information. But recently, I've been constantly forgetting to check the short-term stats before they disappear, and this doesn't concern me at all. I only end up looking them up when I'm bored and can't think of anything else to do. It's just not as interesting, and certainly not as important, as it used to seem.
why these long entries have been fewer and farther between, and are likely
to remain that way. I'll write when I feel like writing, but when I feel
like doing something else instead I will. Sometimes adding new pages and
new types of content are more interesting than writing new journal entries,
and so I'll do those things instead. I do have some ideas for more things
to write about here, and so I'm sure more will come to this section in
the future. But all in good time. When I write because I want to be writing,
and not because I worry that my visitors will be expecting something,
it just takes a little longer, that's all.
5 September, 2002
Intellectual Property Rights denounced by Britt Gordon-McKeon, 2002