II really shouldn't be writing this right now. I should be revising my paper, one of the five 5-7 page papers that are due in the next 8 days, and the one of those five which happens to be due tomorrow at 5.
But I think my plans of getting ahead of the game and finishing this tonight so that I could get two more finished by Wednesday at 2 PM (thus netting a little extra credit) will prove futile. So I might as well just give up now. This should teach people like Kim, who may be impressed at how determined I sound in intending to be productive, to wait until I actually am productive to congratulate me.
Besides, I haven't updated this site in a while, nearly a week. This is what papers and exams can do to you. As it is, I'm rather tired right now, so this won't be too long. But it will be something.
It's struck me lately how my main circle of friends has shifted. I can see it in who I play euchre with, who I walk to dinner with on the weekends (well, weekends when I actually leave the building, unlike this one), who I'm thinking about as we arrange housing for next year, who I talk to on IM, whose rooms I wander to when I need a break, who the knocks on my door come from . . .
In some ways, this upsets me a little. I wonder if anyone among the people I was close to last year notices that I spend less time with them, that we never talk about anything important anymore, that I'm not so much a part of what I used to be a part of. Or, more importantly, if anyone cares. I don't imagine I'm particularly missed, especially since I am, after all, right nearby if I should ever be wanted. I don't think I am, though, except as a fourth for euchre should the people they'd typically ask be unavailable.
This is certainly no cry of loneliness and despair. In fact, the minimal amount of regret I feel about this is striking. I have newer friends now, people who I like to be around and who, from all appearances anyway, seem to like me as well. But I wonder if these connections are any different than the previous ones. Will I drift out of these friends' lives, too, without leaving a mark on them or them on me, without being missed?
I know that I have only a couple of people in my life who are very special to me, who will remain part of my heart and my life regardless of what circles I'm moving in. Perhaps it's asking too much to want a whole group of people who touch my soul, and to whom I am special and important. Maybe I really just need people who I like being around, people to joke with and spend time with, people to be concerned about and to be concerned about me, people who I genuinely do care about, but people who are on some level interchangeable.
I'm just expecting too much right now from people who I've been friends
with for, after all, maybe six weeks. Maybe what we need, along with the
endless games of euchre and dirty jokes, are more heart-to-heart discussions,
more learning about eachother, more late nights of talking. And more time.
Maybe they will start putting down roots in my life, and I in theirs.
I'd like that.
27 December, 2002
Intellectual Property Rights denounced by Britt Gordon-McKeon, 2002